Joke of the Week!

Jobs in America
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm
clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 A.M. While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a
dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN
KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric
skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend
today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the
radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY)
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying
job in.....AMERICA......

Joke of the Week!

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning
and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by
exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than we do - to our
amazement and amusement.
Here are some more of his gems:

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we
met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder."
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up.
- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required
to be on it.
- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Joke of the Week!

They were married, but since the argument they had a
few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
'Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am.'

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around
he found a note on his pillow saying:

'Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!'

Joke of the Week!

How To Make Money

Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great
Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the
entire day polishing the apple and, at the end
of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in
two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them
and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued
this system for a month, by the end of which I'd
accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Joke of the Week!

SISTER MARY KATHERINE

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may
not speak until I direct you to do so."

>> >>>>

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5
years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary
Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can
speak two words."

>> >>>>

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

>> >>>>

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We
will get you a better bed."

>> >>>>

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was
called by the Priest. "You may say another two
words, Sister Mary Katherine."

>> >>>>

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and
the Priest assured her that the food would be
better in the future.

>> >>>>

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the
Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into
his office. "You may say two words today."

>> >>>>

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

>> >>>>

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've
done nothing but complain since you got here."

>> >>>>

Joke of the Week!

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien
in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls
him out and says 'Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the border right now.'

The man pleads with them, 'No, noooo Senior, I
must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!'

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going
to make it hard for him and says 'Ok, I'll let you stay
if you can use 3 english words in a sentence'.

The man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, 'The 3 words are:
Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.'

The man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then
says, 'Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green,
Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?'

Joke of the Week!

English is very strange

- Did you know that 'verb' is a noun?
- How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't
spell them?
- If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
- If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't
two houses hice?
- If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
- If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also
mean that you would have to 'member' somebody in order to
remember them?
- Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be
spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
- Is there another word for a synonym?
- Shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'?
- Why can't you make another word using all the letters in
'anagram'?
- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- Why do some people type 'cool' as 'kewl?'
- Why does 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
- Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
- Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
- Why is 'crazy man' an insult, while to insert a comma and
say 'Crazy, man!' is a compliment?
- Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
- Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Why isn't 'palindrome' spelled the same way backwards?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?