Clean Joke A Day

Joke of the Week!

2008-05-24T09:04:00.001-06:00

Jobs in America
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm
clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 A.M. While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a
dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN
KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric
skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend
today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the
radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY)
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying
job in.....AMERICA......

Joke of the Week!

2008-05-17T13:14:00.001-06:00

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning
and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by
exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than we do - to our
amazement and amusement.
Here are some more of his gems:

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we
met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder."
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up.
- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required
to be on it.
- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Joke of the Week!

2008-05-10T09:10:00.001-06:00

They were married, but since the argument they had a
few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
'Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am.'

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around
he found a note on his pillow saying:

'Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!'

Joke of the Week!

2008-05-02T15:22:00.000-06:00

How To Make Money

Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great
Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the
entire day polishing the apple and, at the end
of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in
two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them
and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued
this system for a month, by the end of which I'd
accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Joke of the Week!

2008-04-24T16:15:00.002-06:00

SISTER MARY KATHERINE

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may
not speak until I direct you to do so."

>> >>>>

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5
years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary
Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can
speak two words."

>> >>>>

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

>> >>>>

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We
will get you a better bed."

>> >>>>

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was
called by the Priest. "You may say another two
words, Sister Mary Katherine."

>> >>>>

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and
the Priest assured her that the food would be
better in the future.

>> >>>>

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the
Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into
his office. "You may say two words today."

>> >>>>

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

>> >>>>

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've
done nothing but complain since you got here."

>> >>>>

Joke of the Week!

2008-04-19T10:57:00.001-06:00

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien
in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls
him out and says 'Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the border right now.'

The man pleads with them, 'No, noooo Senior, I
must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!'

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going
to make it hard for him and says 'Ok, I'll let you stay
if you can use 3 english words in a sentence'.

The man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, 'The 3 words are:
Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.'

The man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then
says, 'Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green,
Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?'

Joke of the Week!

2008-04-11T16:34:00.000-06:00

English is very strange

- Did you know that 'verb' is a noun?
- How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't
spell them?
- If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
- If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't
two houses hice?
- If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
- If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also
mean that you would have to 'member' somebody in order to
remember them?
- Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be
spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
- Is there another word for a synonym?
- Shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'?
- Why can't you make another word using all the letters in
'anagram'?
- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- Why do some people type 'cool' as 'kewl?'
- Why does 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
- Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
- Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
- Why is 'crazy man' an insult, while to insert a comma and
say 'Crazy, man!' is a compliment?
- Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
- Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Why isn't 'palindrome' spelled the same way backwards?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Joke of the Week!

2008-04-04T12:22:00.000-06:00

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take 10 yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old lady
standing beside her.

"Grandma is paying for it," she smiled.

Joke of the Week!

2008-03-28T13:23:00.000-06:00

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said,
"Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my
prescription and to check the prescription you've
been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And
since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth
control pills since February."

Joke of the Week!

2008-03-22T08:07:00.000-06:00

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."

"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.
Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Joke of the Week!

2008-03-14T15:59:00.001-06:00

Whoever figured this out has gotta be a deadly Scrabble player:

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME (or Lost Cash Mine)

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS, NO MORE Zs

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Joke of the Week!

2008-03-07T19:21:00.001-06:00

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. 'I've
never been better!' he boasted. 'I've got an eighteen
year old bride who's pregnant and having my child!
What do you think about that?'

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
'Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an
avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day
went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally
grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.' The doctor
continued, 'So he was in the woods and suddenly a
grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up
his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed
the handle.' 'And do you know what happened?' the
doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied 'No.'

The doctor continued, 'The bear dropped dead in
front of him!'

'That's impossible!' exclaimed the old man. 'Someone
else must have shot that bear.'

'That's kind of what I'm getting at...' replied the doctor.

Joke of the Week!

2008-02-22T23:54:00.000-06:00

I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood. Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind the customer service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"

Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."

Joke of the Week!

2008-02-15T12:03:00.000-06:00

Consider the theatergoer who gets to his seat only to
find that he's far away from the stage. He whispers to
the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch
a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give
you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands
the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans
over and whispers, "The wife did it."

Joke of the Week!

2008-02-09T09:14:00.001-06:00

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center are sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Joke of the Week!

2008-01-31T16:03:00.000-06:00

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis
to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm
was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the
following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation
"What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

Joke of the Week!

2008-01-25T17:50:00.001-06:00

A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's midsection.

The hostess decided to drive to the corner store to get some canned salmon to fill the eaten portion.

Later, as the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the driveway where you ran over it on the way back from the corner store."

Joke of the Week!

2008-01-18T18:14:00.000-06:00

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.

Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it, so he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. Again, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

One-liner:
"Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool - her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw."

Joke of the Week!

2008-01-11T16:14:00.001-06:00

Doug and Bill were at the racetrack.

Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on a race,
the track tells the government."

Bill says, "Well, it could be worse."

Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling
the government you won $600?"

Bill sighs, "Telling your wife."

Joke of the Week!

2008-01-03T14:56:00.001-06:00

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Canada, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

Bob, the third man had married an American girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and clean the house.

Joke of the Week!

2007-12-28T14:44:00.000-06:00

A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole
at the golf course. When they make it to a long par three
the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my
church when we pray, we keep our head down."

Joke of the Week!

2007-12-21T15:26:00.000-06:00

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is
for women. Follow these rules and you should have no
problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not
matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17
and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have
too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything
with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying
those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"
"OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket
yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his
car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or
something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts
for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy
men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to
wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones
they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man
a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner.
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after
shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are
earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely
everywhere. "Socks. Shorts.
Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one
knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required"
on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have
parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works,
Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and
Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance
Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter
if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be
something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford
Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they
will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound
propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill!
The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he
will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th
Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a
chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8
and what happens when he gets a label-maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It
must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy
origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like
a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.

Joke of the Week!

2007-12-14T17:36:00.000-06:00

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat
next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in
the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the
Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up
and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the
aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up
the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other
Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the
Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the
Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on? This fighting between
our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Joke of the Week!

2007-12-07T14:32:00.000-06:00

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods,
the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a
cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their
vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns
to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish
we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Joke of the Week!

2007-11-16T15:53:00.000-06:00

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
But the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
Classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
With my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
Show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, mo del
Airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
Ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it
In to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
Takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
Stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother,
And I'm going t O tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
A seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
Months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
Laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
In amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
Around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing
A hysterical duck walk and groaning.) "My Dad called the middle wife.
She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the
Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. " (Then
Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
He got thirsty, and it ju s t blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
Psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
Water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
Sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
All said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys
Inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle
Wife" comes along.

Joke of the Week!

2007-11-10T10:56:00.000-06:00

Grandpa was showing Little Johnny around the farm. When they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."

A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm NOT eating tonight!"

Joke of the Week!

2007-10-31T16:06:00.000-06:00

A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together.
It has made the world a smaller place in which to live.
It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours.
It will some day enable men to span the universe and
light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."

"And that, my master, is fate?"

"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."

Joke of the Week!

2007-10-26T10:58:00.000-06:00

Pilot and the Priest

Entering heaven a priest dies and is waiting in line
at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a
loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter
addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may
know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, I'm Peter, retired Delta Air Lines Pilot from Atlanta."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out,
I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the
last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the
priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the
Kingdom." "Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was
a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get
only cotton and wood staff. How can this be?"

"Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you
preached - - people slept; when he flew - people prayed."

Joke of the Week!

2007-10-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?

A: The next time you are in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?

A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "I remember these

Joke of the Week!

2007-10-13T10:51:00.000-06:00

PORSCHE

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the! boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

Joke of the Week!

2007-10-01T18:42:00.000-06:00

Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.

"I guess so," answered the man.

"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"

"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."

Joke of the Week!

2007-09-29T10:17:00.000-06:00

Not that I need reminding, but time flies much too fast.
When I was a teenager, I used to whine to my parents,
"Just once I would like to see Aerosmith in concert before I die."

The other day my 13-year-old son, an aspiring rock star, blew my
mind with this:
"Dad, I'd like to see Aerosmith just once before they die."

Joke of the Week!

2007-09-21T20:10:00.000-06:00

Joke of the Week!

2007-09-14T21:15:00.000-06:00

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

Joke of the Week!

2007-09-08T15:41:00.000-06:00

Joke of the Week!

2007-09-01T11:45:00.001-06:00

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to
the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What
other problem can there be greater than this one?'

Joke of the Week!

2007-08-10T14:06:00.000-06:00

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said
to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.! I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So
forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done
with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in
town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the
anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a
very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using
anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which
tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey,
and show him."

Joke of the Week!

2007-08-03T17:35:00.000-06:00

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of
the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just
inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the
still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so
much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse
for the last 25 years.

Joke of the Week!

2007-07-27T12:30:00.000-06:00

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews and testing were done
there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot
my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for
about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears
in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife,' the man said.
'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and
went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after
another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks.
I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

Joke of the Week!

2007-07-20T20:12:00.000-06:00

"How Can A Student Pass?"

It's not the fault of the student if he fails,
because the year ONLY has 365 days.
Typical academic year for a student:

1. Sundays - 52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays
are for rest. Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays - 50 where weather is very hot
and difficult to study. Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep - 130 days GONE.
Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing - (good for health)
means 15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies
(chewing properly & swallowing) means 30days.
Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social being)
- means 15 days. Days left 81.

7. Exam days - per year at least 35 days.
Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)
- 40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness- at least 3 days.
Remaining days=3.

10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days.
1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday.
How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!!
Days left = 0

How can any student pass?

Joke of the Week!

2007-07-06T15:21:00.000-06:00

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called
Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked
a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me
a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what
was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
"An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix
it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an
ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

....IDIOT....

I used to like Harold.

Joke of the Week!

2007-06-29T10:53:00.000-06:00

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."

Joke of the Week!

2007-06-22T22:59:00.000-06:00

A couple had been married for 45 years and had
raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed
with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all
that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we
made a promise to each other: the first one to
pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Joke of the Week!

2007-06-15T22:29:00.000-06:00

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE
TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK

Joke of the Week!

2007-06-06T15:10:00.001-06:00

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the
edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully
recalled that the next week would mark their golden
wedding anniversary.

'Let's have a party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,'
he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should
take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.'

Joke of the Week!

2007-05-25T13:39:00.000-06:00

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my
wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and
said to the man sitting next to me, 'Congratulations sir,
you're the new father of twins!'

The man replied, 'How about that, I work for the Doublemint
Chewing Gum Company.' The man then followed the
nurse to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting
room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had
triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, 'Well, how do ya
like that, I work for the 3M Company.'

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up
and started to leave. When I asked him why he was
leaving, he remarked, 'I think I need a breath of fresh air.'
The man continued, 'I work for 7-UP.'

Joke of the Week!

2007-05-18T16:25:00.000-06:00

Things you should never say to a pregnant woman:

"Honey, come on, you're blocking the big screen TV!"

"No, I don't mind. Helping you get up out of the chair
is a bit habit forming."

"Sorry I can't give you a hug, my arms aren't that long."

"What do you mean, the seat belt won't fit?!"

"So the doctor said you're going to get, um, even bigger?"

"Why not wear one of my shirts? Oh, they don't fit either..."

"Bet you $20 I can outrun you across the back yard!"

"Come on, as soon as my team breaks this tied game, we'll
leave for the hospital."

"Since your contractions are so far apart, how about
cooking us some boiled cabbage and sauerkraut before we leave?"

"Maybe someday you'll return the favor and tie MY shoes."

"But why can't you trim your own toe nails?"

..and anything said while she is looking in the mirror j
ust after taking a bath.

Joke of the Week!

2007-05-11T22:16:00.000-06:00

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes
when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the
lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family
members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows
on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so
again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold
her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said,
"Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note
to the nephew,

"They won't let me pass gas..."

Joke of the Week!

2007-05-04T16:27:00.000-06:00

Everyone on a passenger ship could see
a bearded man on a small island, shouting
and desperately waving his hands.

'Who is that man?' a passenger asked the
ship's Captain. 'Why is he so upset?'

'I have no idea,' the Captain replied,
'but, every year when we pass by here,
he goes crazy.'